International family mediation can take place in one or several countries, depending on whether the parties that are experiencing a serious conflict still live in the same country or one of them has relocated to another one.

Once both parties have agreed to commence mediation, it takes the form of consecutive meetings. Depending on the mediation service, these meetings can last between one-and-a-half hours and three hours. The number of sessions depends on the circumstances of each case.

In situations of wrongful removal or non-return of a child, where the time frames play an important role and tension is especially high, the mediation can be held in blocs. This can be done over two or three days, from morning to evening with pauses. These mediation sessions are organised in accordance with travel and accommodation arrangements of the parent who travels.

In a classic mediation setting, both parties meet face-to-face in one room, with one or two mediators, as well as translators or cultural interpreters if needed. However, if the circumstances require it, the mediation can be conducted online through an Internet connection. Once a mutually acceptable agreement has been reached, a final face-to-face meeting may be all that is required to finalise it.

In some cases, it may be necessary for a mediator to conduct part of the mediation by shuttling between the parties, holding discussions with each in turn and conveying their views and questions to each other. This could happen, for example, where one parent is afraid of the other or feels too dominated to proceed, or where parents living in countries that are far apart do not have access to modern communication technologies.

Shuttle mediation may also be used initially in some cases to give the parties the opportunity to express their concerns freely to the mediator, particularly when the conflict is very intense and arouses strong reactions in the participants.

Many mediation structures work with two mediators for cross-border family conflicts. Usually, they will both be present during mediation. When the parties live in two different countries, there may be a mediator in each country. They always work together and are not there to represent one or the other party.

Mediators do not take sides. They do not form judgements or give personal opinions about what any participant says. They help all the participants to maintain respect for each other and for each other’s cultures.

They listen attentively to what is said, repeating and reformulating what each participant is saying in order to ensure that there is no misunderstanding and that each party understands the point of view of the other.

They observe reactions and ask questions that assist in advancing matters in a constructive way towards solutions that work for everyone, reflecting the needs of different members of the family, and above all those of the children.

At the end of the process, they summarise for the parents the proposed contents of the agreement between the parties and make sure that they are understood by all the participants. This agreement is generally called a mediated agreement, Memorandum of Understanding or Mediation Summary.

Mediators are ethically bound to maintain confidentiality and thus not to disclose to third parties any information that comes up during mediation.

A conflict between parents has an impact on their children and may additionally affect their relatives and friends. Thus, the parents might want to include some of these people in the mediation.

If the children are of an age where they can express themselves independently and there is no risk of their participation having a negative impact on them, the mediator will, under certain conditions, welcome their inclusion in the mediation provided both parents agree to it.

It is important to note that the participation of children is a specialised form of mediation. It has been developed primarily to give parents a better understanding of how their children are coping during a separation and what their needs are; to give children a voice in a matter that concerns their daily life and future; and to respect the internationally recognised right of children to be heard in judicial and administrative procedures concerning them.

Children are included in the mediation process only with the formal agreement of the mediator, both parents as well as of the children themselves. The children have to be mature enough to be able to express themselves.

The mediator has to ensure that they understand that they are only being asked to voice their views and feelings, not to take sides in the conflict, and above all not to take any decisions. All this is done under the careful guidance of a person trained in the participation of children in mediation.

It is customary for children to speak independently with the mediator, without the parents being present. In some countries, a child psychologist conducts (or also has to be present during) such discussions. The mediator - or the child psychologist, if present - later carefully shares key aspects of the discussion with the parents, while making sure that they do not feel they are being criticised or rejected by their children. This specialised form of mediation that involves children is generally referred to child inclusive mediation.

With older adolescents, direct participation in mediation is sometimes helpful and possible. A mediator using a systematic approach may also propose that younger children be heard in the presence of the parents, the mediator helping the children to express their needs in front of them. In any case, children are never asked to take decisions, and if they have a preference for any part of their discussion to remain private, that is respected, provided of course that this privacy does not jeopardise the safety of the child or anyone else.

Evidence is growing that, when well conducted, this involvement empowers children, and creates for parents a new level of awareness of their children’s experiences. This, in itself, can greatly assist parents to find better ways of managing their conflict so as to minimise its impact on the children.

The participation of children in mediation can be a delicate matter, depending on the country and the culture in which the family is living. In a large number of cultures, it is difficult to imagine that children can give their point of view in decision-making on a problem that is perceived to concern adults. In addition, many mediation professionals do not feel they are sufficiently trained in how to involve children in mediation. That is why the participation of children in mediation is still rare.

The inclusion of people from outside the immediate family (uncles, aunts, godmothers and godfathers, nannies, teachers, wedding witnesses and others who might play an important role in the life of the participants) also requires the agreement of the mediator and both parties in the conflict. The mediator has to evaluate their relevance to the mediation.

Even though external parties cannot make decisions about the issues that come up during mediation, their presence can often turn out to be valuable, sometimes essential. What form the participation of external parties takes varies, depending on the cultural environment in which the mediation is taking place and the code of conduct adopted by the mediator.

There is another category of people who might participate in a mediation session, by virtue of the role they play in supporting the family or as community leaders. These fall into three groups: professionals working with families, such as lawyers, social workers or psychotherapists (however, lawyers will not participate actively in the discussions); persons supporting the family in the area of spiritual practices or traditions (imams, rabbis, priests, chaplains, etc.); and persons playing an important role within the community of which the parents are a part. Their participation would first be discussed with the mediator and they would also be bound to confidentiality.

Find out how to prepare for mediation and which issues are generally addressed in mediation here